Guywithabigheart

Untitled .

The tracks look endlessly trailing down the road of darkness , 

The moon struggles to fight the fog ,

Failing in it’s attempt to guide me out of the shadows that surround me ,

I feel them starring at me ,

Their eyes crawl up and down my skin ,

Sending shocks of insecurity through my veins as I shrink with every moment they don’t look away ,

I beg for some light to escape this cage of eyes I am trapped in ,

Their soulless pupils pierce my heart as I feel myself slip away as my cheeks are drenched with coldness that escape from my own eyes ,

The black figures approach me as I scream silent cries ,

Their vulgar bodies poison my own when more than their eyes violently touch me ,

I am malled by animals of my same species ,

My purity stolen by the heartless greed and lust of man . 

‘ef’ It !

Got my mind on other things && I try my best to preoccupy it with other things , yet you find your way in . I need to jzt say ‘ef’ it ‘cause obviously you have already . It hurts to know how easy it was for you though . :( 

Hurt , Confused , && Uncertain .

I’m laying here in a sleeping at mi amiga’s house && all I can think about is him . I am so upset that he is not replying to any of my messages && that he is being so rude to me . I am acting so stupid && allowing him to treat me the way he is . I am putting myself out there too much && letting him know more than he should of my feelings && that is only allowing him to hurt me more ‘cause it makes me look weak for him . I guess in a sense I am . I like him too much to jzt let him walk away . I know he likes me && I know I messed up , pero I am ready to move pass it && I apologized more than I should have . 

I jzt wish I would stop acting the way I am && things would be back to how they were . I feel like ‘effin’ cryin’ right now , but I am a strong believer in not cryin’ over a boy so I am not allowing myself to do so . I know I am stronger than that . 

I’m jzt going to stop thinking about him && go to sleep && hope he will txt me or call me tomorrow . I am promising myself that I am not going to call or txt  him tomorrow or the next day until he txts or calls me . This is a test to see if I mean anything to him . I am afraid of how long it will take , because what if it is so easy for him to move on ? I honestly want something to happen between us , even friendship — I jzt don’t want us to stop tlkin’ especially on bad terms . 

Well until then , Good Night && Sweet Dreams . 

Complicated Problem

The more that I think and reflect on my desires and dislikes I come to the realization that I am a complicated person. If I think I am a hard person to understand, I can only imagine the confusion and struggle others go through to try to understand me. I am most complicated when it comes to guys and relationships. Maybe that is why I am single today. My friends always ask me why I do not have a boyfriend but I am coming to terms that most of the blame is on me. I do not necessarily see it as a bad thing because if I do not feel satisfied or that my wants have not been met by the guy then I do not feel I should settle for anything less. The problem that I think I have is I have too high of expectations and standards. I want a hot looking guy that can treat me like a prince. Looks do not play the most important part but it plays a big role in my decision. Yes, I know how this sounds, but it is the truth and there are other people who would agree with me but won’t admit it. I am not ashamed of what I want in a guy and what I expect in a relationship. I understand how this is making me sound, but I have came to the point where I no longer care what others think, it is me who I need to worry about-I will be in the relationship not any one else. 

However, maybe I need to not expect so much and not look at the aspects of the relationship I do not like, but rather the things I do like and work on myself to deal with what I do not like. I once said I would like a guy with the humanitarian heart of Jolie, the looks of Prince Royce, the athletic built and talent as Cristiano Ronaldo, and the fashion sense of any top runway model. But its time Ryan thinks realistically-There is no guy out there like that, especially if there is he would not want me. And again I wonder why I have high exceptions and standards because I am not all that great boyfriend material. I do not have the looks I would want in a guy and my personality can be immature and annoying at times. 

I am very complicated. I feel that when I am talking to a guy that there can always be another guy that will provide more, but I should stop thinking that way because I will never be in a happy relationship. I struggle with myself to tell me what I want and what I do not want. I debate constantly with myself and this conflicts prevents me from advancing to a relationship. 

I analyze things WAY TOO MUCH! I drive myself crazy and put my hopes up too high. I know guys are selfish jerks that love to play with hearts but I still try to see the best in them and in the end I get hurt. I am going to approach potential love in a different manner and lets hope it goes for the best. 

I’m the Author of this Story

My skin crawls with disgust as my mind forces to erase the image of you .

I fight the urge to hold back the forces inside my stomach .

With every memory together .

I’ve seen no uglier creation .

My body quivers as I try to make sense of it all .

Why I couldn’t resist your temptation .

No soap and water can wash away this guilt and disappoint I brought myself .

For I gave myself to you .

Vulnerable .

Trusting you .

Should have saw your unworthiness .

Your deceit .

Your malicious control over my mind .

Tangled in your net of sweet words .

All revealing the lies they were .

You played a great game .

Little did you know two can play .

As you slipped out of bed .

Making your way to his house .

You were getting the left overs of an afternoon of mine and his lust .

Once love for you .

Now resentment .

Though pain was a theme in this story .

You’re no longer in control . 

I write the final chapter .